I'm Just Me..Reaching Out

I'm a single mother of 2 boys, ages 13 and 21. My youngest lives with me, while my oldest lives in another state. I was recently re-diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis...December 2006. Originally diagnosed in 1997, I worked thru the many problems this disease afforded me, w/o insurance or a doctor per se...until an enjoyable yet extremely physically hard job brought about, little by little, regularly occuring symptoms of MS. I quit that job after over 2 years in hopes that I might be able to go back to work after a short break. I did do so, working in the mental health field. Again, loving the work and the people, but early rising and walking  to and from work, brought on more health issues and after my brother passed away soon after beginning this job, I decided something was bound to give and I didn't want it to be me. I applied for SSI and disability, started back with medical help, went on medication for my symptoms, and recently started an MS based intermuscular medication.

     I try very hard to keep a smile on my face, remain positive no matter what, if not for the MS but for my 13 year old son. He doesn't complain, he very rarely asks for anything and if he wants something, he saves the money he gets for birthdays, etc for it. He recently got $20 and what did he buy? A pair of sandals for himself for $6. He helps around the home...not w/o complaints mind you..he STILL is a teen!...but he generally is so good natured and happy, I cannot believe my luck as far as  sons are concerned. His older brother is exactly the same...both being glad they were raised by me and in a non material world. Do you know how much I wish I could have raised them WITH those little things? But I'm glad they know unconditional love, if not anything else.

      I cannot work, although I want to (SO MUCH)...my arm muscles and leg muscles are affected most, along with memory. Amazing how I retain my love of writing. I would LOVE to take up photography although that will have to wait for Christmas, when I can ask for a digital camera from Santa. I want to get my poetry published but with the fatigue MS provides me, that small taks tends to get in the way when it comes down to what is done first around our home. I get assistance with rent...I pay $150 of the full amt...I also get medicaid and food stamps. I get $348 in child support but out of it has to come utilities, rent and whatever else I need for the month. Needless to say the other bills I owe are put along the wayside, and I am constantly behind on utilities and those other bills. I hate this disease at times and hate having to be asking for help, financial or other wise. I do not have a car so rides to get groceries or my scrips are hard to come by cause that means I have to actually ASK. It's always been ME who was the one to go to...and now it's ME who needs the help. How uttlerly humbling that is. Even now, the tears run down my face as I realize where this disease has brought me. Yet you know those tears will not last long, because surely others need my prayers and those tears.